The Rise and Fall of Itachi Uchiha
by We live next to the Akatsuki
Summary: In a world of good and evil, alone Deidara must stand to eliminate Itachi Uchiha. His first stand is replacing his pills with drugs. Nothing is holy. No one is safe.


_**Lalala~ BOLD **_

_I'm boring. _

_I'm Victoria._

_**I'm Autumn. **_

AND TOGETHER WE ARE... THE...

* * *

_**The Rise and Fall of Itachi Uchiha**_

_**Chapter 1**__**  
**__**Deidara's Revenge**_

"Un, let's see how _Uchiha_ likes that!" Deidara whispered to himself as he screwed the cap back on Itachi's pills. "Nobody belittles my art without paying a price!"

The blonde had switched the regular medication with something a little more… strong. Snickering at his deed, he crept out of the former leaf ninja's room, awaiting the next morning when Itachi would wake up and take his 'pills'…

O.o

The alarm beeped, even though Kisame didn't want it to. It was Sunday, for god's sake! Couldn't he sleep in?

Apparently, Uchihas didn't need as much sleep as sharks. Itachi emerged and hit the dismiss button to stop the alarm. Kisame just pulled the covers over his head and groaned.

The Uchiha got out of bed and slipped on his Akatsuki cloak, heading for the bathroom. Finding the door slightly ajar, he had a temporary feeling of suspicion, but dismissed it. It wasn't worth worrying about.

After he had brushed his teeth, Itachi rummaged through the mirror cabinet above the sink for his medication. The bottle was in a different place than where he'd left it, triggering that suspicious feeling again. But, against his better judgment, the Uchiha dismissed it again, and dumped two pills into his palm.

Replacing the bottle, he swallowed them both. Somehow, the medication tasted… _sweeter_ than usual.

Itachi shook his head and walked a little off-balance out of the room, almost tripping over his own two feet into Kisame.

"You alright, Itachi-san?" the shark-man hybrid asked with a little smirk of amusement.

"Yeah. Kisame. I'm fine."

o.O

Deidara had woken up extra early to see his plan fall into place.

"**Heehee," Itachi giggled, stumbling into the blonde trying to hide his laughter, "you have mouths on your HANDS! HAHA!" Itachi giggled once more.**

"**Ohey Jared!" the intoxicated 21 year old shouted across the room. **

Pein looked at him, confused. That… was not his name.

"Duuuuuuude…" the Uchiha got up close with wide onyx eyes so that a scared leader was two inches from Itachi's face. "What's up with all those piercing? Didn't that _hurt_?" he slurred.

Konan walked up to the two missing-nin alarmed, and somewhat amused. Giggling, she asked, "Itachi-san, are you alright?"

He smiled and nodded, quite animated. The drunken Uchiha leaned in closer to Pein and whispered-ahem, yelled-in his ear, "S-she has blue hair!" He giggled and poked the origami flower in Konan's hair. "Oh-em-geeee… that flower is made of PAPER!"

Deidara couldn't help but grin. His plan was working perfectly. **"Itachiiii…" he whispered, faking concern.**

**Itachi skipped forward at full speed screaming. "TOBIIIIIIII!" he hugged him, nearly suffocating him. Tobi enthusiastically hugged him back, and lifted Itachi off the ground and bounced up and down.**

"**Yay! Hugs!"**

"**Yoooo… brotha from another mothaaa!" Itachi shouted back, making the masked man tense for a moment. He then took a very good look at Tobi, particularly his mask. "Duuude… what's up with your **_**face**_**?" Itachi slurred, shaking his hands in front of his face. This was, like, two-hundred times as enthusiastic as the group had ever seen him. **_**Collectively.**_

"**What's wrong with Tobi's face…?"**

"**It's all… swirly."**

"**Oh, you mean Tobi's mask!" the child giggled. "Oh, Itachi-saaaan!" Tobi cried happily, pulling him in for another bone-crushing hug.**

"**You know, Tobi wrote a poem for the occasion in which Itachi-san would love Tobi!" Tobi announced, clearing his throat.**

"**Where rainbows giggle,**

**The Akatsuki mingle.**

**Tobi and Itachi skip through flowers,**

**While everyone cowers-"**

"**Tobi, stop! Nobody was supposed to know about thaaaaaat!" Itachi blushed furiously for no reason.**

"**Sorry, Itachi-san, Tobi can't hide our true love any longer!" Tobi cried, having an absolute fangirl moment, his limbs flailing around.**

**Everyone was speechless at this.**

"**Uhhm… Itachi-san, I didn't know that you and Tobi were like that…" Kisame shivered.**

"Tee-hee!" Itachi giggled. "Heyyyy… don't me and the blue guy have to go rape a little kid? Or somethin'?" he added, walking over to Pein, who had hid behind Konan.

"Yes! Leave now! GO!" Leader said, pointing towards the door. Itachi stared hard at Pein's outstretched hand for a little while, then slowly followed the direction with his wide onyx eyes to the door.

Kisame rolled his eyes and strode to the exit. Itachi followed the shark, bumping into the wall. "Ahh… who put that there?" the intoxicated Uchiha slurred, and walked/tripped over the threshold out the door.

"**STOP!" Itachi screamed.**

**Everyone, indeed, stopped.**

"**I have a better idea!"**

**Everyone was waiting for a response.**

**And waiting…**

**And waiting…**

**And wa-**

"**WE SHOULD GO TO KARAOKE! :D"**

**Of course, Deidara nodded. He needed to see how this played out. **

**O.o**

"**DON'T GO BREAKIN' MAH HEAAAART."**

"**I couldn't if I tried…?"**

"**OH HONEY IF I GET RESTLESS."**

"**Baby you're not th- You know what, screw this. Itachi, I know I'm your partner for better or for worse, but no, I will not." Kisame spoke into the mic, and threw down the long instrument. **

"**My cello!" Itachi screamed down at the beautifully crafted instrument, that he had recently decorated in stickers. "MAN OVERBOARD SOMEONE CALL 911! WE NEED HELP!" He put his mouth on the four strings and pushed air through them. "I WILL NOT LET YOU DIE, DAMMIT!" He put his head against the hard wood to hear a pulse, there was none, so once again he tried to 'resuscitate' the instrument. "Don't you leave me Jack, I swear to God, I swear to all gods, I swear to the gods of the gods that I will never, **_**ever,**_** let go." **He cried, cuddling the instrument like a near-death puppy. **The tears ran down the instrument, and everyone in the karaoke joint was quiet. Except for Itachi, and the sniffling teenage girls in the back, eating their popcorn and nuzzling their Kleenex. **

"**Uhh… Itachi, we know you're in a difficult place in your life right now and all… but it's Pein's turn and-"**

"**HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE ALL OF YOU! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID! IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU AND YOUR **FAKE UGGS**."**

"**lulwut."**

"**lulwut." Itachi mimicked, making him completely forget about 'Jack' his dearest, oldest, wisest companion, the cello. And due to his forgetfulness, he took out his phone and tweeted his life story.**

"…"

"…"

"…"

"**So is it my turn or what?" Nobody ever will answer that question for Pein, and he will go his whole life questioning it, tossing and turning, spending hours upon days in research centers. He went to France once, looking for the answer, but his inner turmoil would get the best of him. He even starred in a movie with Nicholas Cage and then went on to lead a successful career in the movie industry winning three consecutive Oscars for Best Actor. But he never, ever found out if it was his turn. He ended his own life on May 5, 2023 due to the inner struggle.**

"**Did Pein just have an inner monologue?"** an onlooker who had just shattered the fourth wall asked.

**Another observer punched through the wall as well, and answered. "It's called a soliloquy!"**

"GODDAMNIT, I RAN OUT OF CHARACTERS! THERE SHOULD AT LEAST BE 141!" Itachi screamed angrily, throwing the phone across the room. It broke through the brick wall. Everyone was scared into silence.

The silence was broken by a growl of a beast.

"I'm hungry." Itachi stood up like nothing ever happened, and proceeded to the door. When nobody followed, he gestured them all to the door. Only Tobi immediately followed.

"I need your credit card anyway, Fishy. **Stop n' Shop **doesn't take cash."

Kisame then found out why he was never able to buy **parachute pants** **with sequins, like he always wanted**.

He sighed, hung his head, and followed reluctantly, along with everyone else.

o.O

**The poor post-pubescent cashier just had ten more minutes of his shift. **_**Ten**_**. That was it. And he thought he could spend it stroking his new attempt of growing facial hair and staring at the new cashier chick with the pretty long blonde hair and then go home. That was it. Maybe play some Call of Duty. Nothing major, no work. Nothing. Then, as he was finally shutting down his brain for the night, and setting it to relax, **_**they**_** arrived. For some stupid reason out of **_**all four freakin' open aisles**_**, they chose aisle twelve. No rhyme or reason other than to piss him off, the cashier thought. **

"**Will that be- please don't reach over- NO please- please- Will you please stop touching my name badge. Thank you. Will that be all for this evening?"**

**Tobi looked over the various stuff they had in the aisle. He found most of it amazing, so like Itachi, he picked it all up and dropped it on the conveyer belt. The **three carts **trailing behind them were a sight no one wants to see eight minutes before the end of their shift, but always ended up happening to Doug. Poor guy.**

**He first did the magazines that Tobi had so easily dropped on the cart. All fifteen of them. They ranged from **_**Muscle Mania **_**to **_**Star **_**to **_Tiger Beat. _**Then he went on to sodas, and then every single piece of candy, and then. Oh **_**and then**_**, he moved onto the monstrosity before him. He scanned the carts. **

**He had no idea what they were on, but they needed to get off. He first picked up fish fingers, and then custard, and he hoped to God that they wouldn't be mixed together, and then Velcro, and then carrots, and then baby food, and then condoms, and then wine, and then, by accident, Bradley Cooper's drivers license (which actually came out to $5.80). It raged on and on and on until he got to the most peculiar item. An inflatable castle. He didn't even know they **_**sold **_**them here. But here it was, and here he was scanning it. And through all this, he noticed they didn't get something that he knew for fact they most certainly needed, and he stupidly enough said that to the group.**

"**Maybe you guys want to buy some paper towels." And then the real trouble aroused. **

**It took them THIRTY MINUTES to find one freakin' roll of stupid paper towels, and then five minutes for the clean up in fruits and vegetables, and then another fifteen for picking up a lost child at the Customer Service desk, which Doug was pretty sure wasn't theirs, and then another ten for them to all get back together **in alphabetical order**. **_He only had eight minutes. _

All the while, the blonde cashier **flirted with Fabio.**

* * *

_We couldn't think of a name._

_**And I didn't get that reference for like, two minutes. **_

_Stay tuned...**FOR DANGER (Nancy Drew Reference)**_


End file.
